Lacy could feel the butterflies in her stomach kick up higher and higher the closer she got to the Long Beach Terminal for The Catalina Express. It had to be at least 20 years since she had been to the island and the excitement was beginning to hit her. The only thing that made her giddiness subside was realizing her beloved Dorthee would not be there. God how she missed that woman! Lacy was so close to her grandmother and the fact that she was gone was almost too much to bear. The pain of her departing was still just as raw as it was five years ago when she actually left this world. But Lacy knew she hadn’t been “in the world” for a long time before that. In fact, the last time she actually saw Dorthee she no longer recognized who Lacy was and Lacy never went back. The guilt of knowing that still hit her to this day.
The sight of the Express Terminal pulled her out of her reverie and she focused on finding a parking place. She smiled in the rear view mirror at her beautiful Alexandra who smiled back as drool dripped from her gleaming canines. The huge head of her Rottweiler engulfed the entire rear view mirror and she was so grateful she had her best friend by her side. The trip out from Utah was almost bearable with her giant friend with her. Not only did she feel most safe for Alex was very protective of “mommy” but she was the most compassionate friend she ever had which she proved over and over with each torrent of tears that seemed to come with wild abandon on Lacy throughout this entire last week. She grabbed her luggage and got Alex fitted into her harness with the muzzle loosely attached to one of the straps in preparation for the boat ride over. She checked in and sat down to wait for an hour before the last boat would haul her and Alex over to the island. She got Alex her water out then they both settled down and did what they often liked to do together and that was people watch. At the moment not much was going on as the crowd was pretty small. Being off season afforded Lacy a buffer from people as she preferred to keep them at a distance.
The still moments were the hardest for Lacy as her mind would inevitably wander back to that moment when her father took his last breath. The lump returned to her throat and Alex got up and laid her head in Lacy’s lap, sensing the deep sorrow that lay just below the surface of Lacy’s stony facade. She smiled down at Alex, reassuring her with a gentle stroke of her giant head that she would not lose it now. Looking at those liquid brown eyes often kept the tears at bay but it also helped cool the smoldering embers of her rabid anger at her mother as well. The anger made the hot tears come but she swallowed them down and smiled once again. Lacy’s mother was still alive and well or as well as a person could be that was confined to a wheel chair. She had been diagnosed with Oculopharyngeal Muscular Dystrophy 10 years ago. When Lacy came out for vacation with her husband six years ago she was not at all prepared for the state she found her mother and step father in. Her mother was using a cane at the time and her step dad was carrying around an oxygen tank as he remained in denial about his diagnosis of COPD. Lacy knew, being the only child, that there was only one thing left for her to do and that was to move out and be there for her parents. At the same time she thought the move might bolster her rather shaky marriage. She didn’t even want to think about the job she gave up at The College of William and Mary or the friction that was her daily life with her husband while putting their home in Williamsburg up for sale. No, her thoughts went right back to her mother and the outrage she felt at being so callously used by her. Those thoughts helped block out the pain she felt every time she envisioned turning off the concentrator then holding her step dad while he struggled for his last breath. Any thought was better than remembering that last half hour with her dad.
The Express lumbered slowly into port and once again Lacy’s attention was brought back to the present. She packed up Alex’s water dish and tossed her bag over her shoulder and walked out to the platform to give Alex one more opportunity to tinkle before the 50 minute boat ride. She hated the thought of slipping that muzzle on that soft brown nose but those were the rules and she found people just expected to see a Rottweiler with a muzzle on as if they were naked without it. She once again identified with her gentle giant as people judged her just as harshly as they did her beautiful dog. Well who needed them anyway? Alex and her had been doing just fine without them and there was no reason for things to change now. The last of the island vacationers stumbled off the boat once it docked as the reality of their regular life hit them upon stepping back onto the mainland. There were quite a few loving couples walking hand in hand as they gazed into each others eyes testifying to their great romantic weekend. A twinge loneliness hit her quite suddenly and she quickly looked away as if she was turning away from a train wreck. That thought made her snort as she knew quite well that train wreck was herself. The loud raucous group wearing the ridiculous inside out straw hats brought her attention back around and she watched them in amusement as they sang their bawdy little ditties. Dare she hope Luau Larry’s was still opened after all these years? It couldn’t be. The excitement of once again returning to the island brought a bit of joy back into her heart and she noticed the spring returning to her step. Hell yes she was running away and hiding but it was her birthright and she was going to grab on and run with it.
The time finally came for the outgoing passengers to board and Lacy elected to wait until the end as nervous passengers glanced over at her sweet Alex. She knew what it meant to be judged so wrongly and she stroked her dogs fur gently to reassure her that she was loved. People continued to reinforce her need to escape their cruelty. With a new resolve Lacy and her Rottweiler walked down the gangway with poise and dignity and quietly found a secluded seat in the back where she discreetly nudged off the muzzle cooing softly in her ear that they were in for a grand new adventure. She was awarded a sloppy kiss right as the boat shoved off from the dock and then the engines roared to life.
Within 35 minutes she saw what she had been waiting to see for 20 years; the soft twinkling lights from the Casino in the darkening sky. A sense of homecoming hit her and she almost cried with relief. Lacy’s eyes stayed glued to the island in anticipation. Once docking Lacy could not help but look for The Lady in White but she wasn’t there so with a heavy heart she muzzled Alex once more and walked off the boat. The clanging of the boats in the harbor and the surf greeted her but that was it. No welcoming committee but it wasn’t like she expected it. After removing the muzzle from Alex’s face one more time she dug in her purse and got out the key to her grandmothers cottage and walked the distantly familiar path to her house. She had forgotten about the brutal walk up to her place. Lacy had walked the back roads knowing no dogs were allowed on Crescent Avenue. The front street was for pedestrians only and even though it was dark she didn’t feel like getting kicked off the walk was a stellar way to start her new life so she went around. Howeve,r the walk up to Vieudelou about killed her for it was a double hill if one can imagine such a thing existing. Lacy opened the gate and walked inside the yard and up the stairs to the yellow house. Alex sniffed the yard for a bit until the Chihuahua next door starting barking profusely. Alex stepped back and cocked her head wondering what the hell was wrong with that little dog then got bored of it and followed Lacy into the house. Even though it had been a rental for years Lacy could swear she could smell her grandmother’s soft scent and got a bit hopeful for just an instance but reality came back upon her life a freight train and she slowly walked in.
Lacy’s uncle, Rick, kept the house exactly like it was when Dorthee had to leave her beloved home and it was a comfort to Lacy. Rick was her mother’s older brother and if it hadn’t been for him she might not have survived her childhood. There was also no love loss between Rick and his sister Amy. Lacy set her things down and walked over to the big basket of fruit left by the realty company that managed the property. There was also a package from her uncle which she decided she would open tomorrow. The first thing Lacy did after getting a beer from the fridge was to walk into the tiny library off the living room. She loved sitting in this room as a child coloring pictures for Dorthee on the big roll top desk that was at one time Dorthee’s fathers. Every wall was filled to the brim with books. Lacy marveled at the vast subjects as she lightly ran her fingers over the bindings of volume after volume. She stopped at the Haiku and the tears began to roll once again. The memory of her grandmother reading her the Haiku was bittersweet and a sense of comfort enveloped her like a blanket sensing her grandmother was in the very room with her. Alex must have agreed because she stared off in the corner of the room as if someone was standing there. She backed Alex out of the room and walked to the front porch sitting down in one of the rockers that use to sit in the old hotel Uncle Rick and her mother grew up in. Dorthee sold it years ago as it became too much for her to manage. These leather rockers were all that was left of the old place and Lacy looked out towards the bay seeing the lights from the boats and the front street. It was beautiful. Alex sat down in front of her and looked off towards the bay as well and they both shared the quiet communion that gave them a sense comfort and peace. For the first time in weeks Lacy didn’t let her thoughts run away from her; instead just relaxing and enjoying the serenity of the Island. There were changes she was sure but essentially the island was the same and that afforded her peace that slowly allowed her muscles to relax. Lacy didn’t know how long Alex and her sat there but the island was quieting so she eventually got up and walked to the bedroom where she promptly fell to the bed. Alex hopped up and curled next to her and Lacy drifted off to a restful sleep.
Okay that was my first attempt and I just don’t know. I am thinking that perhaps it would be better to just write my life for real but then where do I start? Why would anyone want to read about my life? its not like I am famous or saved the world. I have things I could share such as addiction, growing up in Greece, living with my dysfunctional parents, Fibromyalgia, disassociation or multiple personalities, or taking care of my parents as their health declined. But does any one care or would they be interested? And how long is a chapter? I hate the writing….it feels forced. Its already a very bumpy road. I may have to scrap this and start over but I just don’t know.
So I am throwing it out there for some advice. Be gentle but I am ready…I already know there are huge problems and it feels awkward. I may have to just go for the truth.
Lisa
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